Why are people doing what they are doing??????

One of the questions I often hear when talking to people who are in the midst of a relationship crisis, is that they don’t understand why their estranged partner is doing what they are doing. They thought that they knew their partner and “suddenly” their partner is acting strangely. Why is that?
When you look at the situation from the outside and having a bit of experience with several of such situations, the picture becomes a bit clearer. It becomes clear that we generally speaking don’t know our partners as well as we ought to have, and that when the loving wanes, we begin to see sides of our partners that we haven’t seen much of before. And similarly our partners probably begin to see sides of us that they haven’t seen much of before. And that is because we act according to what is going on around us, and doing what works for us or at least what we think works for us.
When you think about it, everybody is doing what works for them at least on some level, and depending on previous experiences different approaches are taken, but the motivation is the same. What works for people, is not necessarily the best thing for them in the long run, but can be to satisfy an instant craving or a short-term solution. Think of a situation where you are walking by a baker’s shop, you know that eating pastry is bad for your waistline and you have decided to go on a diet, but even though you know it’s a bad choice, you find yourself entering the shop and buying some pastry, because it makes you feel good at the moment, and you then have to deal with the “guilt” later on…
The same happens in relationships when one partner isn’t feeling satisfied, they start to find ways to make the relationship work and more than often the “solutions” employed aren’t based on prior knowledge of how to solve relationship problems, and thus often are ineffective. And after a while trying to solve the problems without success one gives up and starts looking for ways to get out of the dysfunctional relationship. And this is when the other partner usually receives the relationship bomb – the I love you, but I’m not in love with you!
But still both partners are still within their respective frames of reality and is doing what they’re doing because at some level it works for them, but it is often not working to heal the relationship, in fact many of the things both partners will do from this moment will not work for the relationship at all, and many will not work for their own long-term goals either. But it works here and now, even if it is just a poor bandage on an open wound.