One of the most important things in any relationship, be it a marriage or between friends, is to feel heard and understood. And the greatest gift one can give to another person is to listen to them and give them your understanding and time. But real listening is something that we do not do most of the time, we want to have our say as well, we want to argue the point, or we want to take control and fix things, when after all what we’re being asked to do is simply to listen, listen and try to understand and validate the feelings and emotions that the person talking to us have.
The best way to be a great listener is to first of all listen attentively, not trying to do three other things at the same time. Concentrate on listening, not having your thoughts elsewhere. Give signs to the speaker that you’re following him or her, ask short questions if you need something explained or there is something you don’t understand. And generally make the person talking feel at ease and comfortable by being calm, friendly and supportive.
WILL YOU PLEASE JUST LISTEN…
When I ask you to listen and you start giving advice, you have not done what I have asked.
When I ask you to listen and you start telling me why I shouldn’t feel the way I do, you are invalidating my feelings.
When I ask you to listen and you start trying to solve my problem, I feel underestimated and disempowered.
When I ask you to listen and you start telling me what I need to do I feel offended, pressured and controlled.
When I ask you to listen, it does not mean I am helpless. I may be faltering, depressed or discouraged, but I am not helpless.
When I ask you to listen and you do things which I can and need to do for myself, you hurt my self-esteem.
But when you accept the way I feel, then I don’t need to spend time and energy trying to defend myself or convince you, and I can focus on figuring out why I feel the way I feel and what to do about it.
And when I do that, I don’t need advice, just support, trust and encouragement.
Please remember that what you think are “irrational feelings” always make sense if you take time to listen and understand me….
The best way to be a great listener is to first of all listen attentively, not trying to do three other things at the same time. Concentrate on listening, not having your thoughts elsewhere. Give signs to the speaker that you’re following him or her, ask short questions if you need something explained or there is something you don’t understand. And generally make the person talking feel at ease and comfortable by being calm, friendly and supportive.
WILL YOU PLEASE JUST LISTEN…
When I ask you to listen and you start giving advice, you have not done what I have asked.
When I ask you to listen and you start telling me why I shouldn’t feel the way I do, you are invalidating my feelings.
When I ask you to listen and you start trying to solve my problem, I feel underestimated and disempowered.
When I ask you to listen and you start telling me what I need to do I feel offended, pressured and controlled.
When I ask you to listen, it does not mean I am helpless. I may be faltering, depressed or discouraged, but I am not helpless.
When I ask you to listen and you do things which I can and need to do for myself, you hurt my self-esteem.
But when you accept the way I feel, then I don’t need to spend time and energy trying to defend myself or convince you, and I can focus on figuring out why I feel the way I feel and what to do about it.
And when I do that, I don’t need advice, just support, trust and encouragement.
Please remember that what you think are “irrational feelings” always make sense if you take time to listen and understand me….
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